A Reason To Live
by Skitty
Summary: The title kinda doesn't match anymore coz I changed it a little, but basically Dawn deals with Buffy dealing with Angel's death.


A Reason To Live Skitty  
  
There are some moments a girl just remembers clearly. They don't really mean anything, or they don't seem to. They're just there. Memories. Sometimes the ones that are just there we cherish the most.  
  
For Dawn Summers there were a lot of those memories, but the one that she remembered in the clearest detail was once when she'd run to her sister's room while their parents had another knock-down-drag-out fight, and the thunder outside boomed so loudly she couldn't hear herself think. She probably remembered it so well because it rarely rained so hard in L.A.  
  
Anyway, she'd been terrified. And Buffy had pulled her into her arms, as she always did. She must have already been the Slayer at that point, because her so not religious sister had worn a cross, and her old orange puffy coat was replaced with a sleek black one that left room for her to move. "It's not my fault you can't do anything right with that girl!" Hank screamed from downstairs.  
  
"If I'm so bad at it, why don't you do something other than go make another movie and spend more time away from her!" Joyce yelled back.  
  
"I do what I can to make a living for this family," Hank protested. "Which is more than I can say for you!"  
  
"Maybe I could get a job if you would come home for them once in awhile!" Mom again. "Maybe if she had a father figure she wouldn't date these guys!"  
  
Dawn forgot the rest of the conversation, because Buffy and gone and closed the door the rest of the way. "When I get married," she said, "well, if I get married, it won't be like that."  
  
She came across the room and held her little sister again. Dawn remembered her most that way, loving and extremely over protective of her. It had never seemed like part of her duty to Dawn, even when they'd found out just what exactly Dawn's purpose was. "What will it be like?" she'd asked.  
  
"It'll be nice. We'll be so in love, we'll never fight," Buffy had a dreamy smile on her face, and Dawn, young though she'd been at the time, smiled back in understanding. Buffy did that sometimes, told her what marriage was supposed to be like. "He'll be tall, dark, and handsome, and he'll be completely smitten with me. And of course he'll be rich. And we won't have any kids. Especially not a daughter named Buffy who'll screw everything up."  
  
A solitary tear rolled down her face, and now it was Dawn's turn to be supportive and caring. She held her sister, and kissed her cheek. "Mom and Daddy just don't love each other anymore. It's not your fault," she whispered. Buffy shook her head.  
  
"They never fight about you," she pointed out. "But it doesn't matter. Someday, I'm going to run away, and they'll never find me."  
  
"What about me?" Dawn asked quietly.  
  
"You can come with me! Think about it Dawnie, no more yelling, no more fighting," a glass broke downstairs and their mother screamed. "No more of this!"  
  
"I love Mom. And I love Daddy too. I don't want to leave them," Dawn said sadly. "Don't go away, Buffy. I don't want our family to get split up."  
  
"Our family won't split up if I go away," Buffy said quietly.  
  
But she hadn't. Not for two months. Then she'd found Merrick's body and everything changed. She and the newest in a long string of boyfriends, Pike, fled L.A., partly because she was wanted in his murder, and kicked out of the high school, partly because he thought there was nothing left there for him but her, and Buffy thought no one in L.A. cared about her. When she came home, their parents had divorced, Merrick's murder had been declared a suicide, and Joyce found a new school for her.  
  
Dawn had never recovered from the scars, until Angel lost his soul, and she heard her sister's tears every night. Sometimes, Dawn would creep into the room next to hers and hold her. When Buffy calmed she always told Dawn to go, that she wasn't safe there. Looking back, Dawn realized it was because Angelus paid nightly visits to her room while he still had the invite, leaving her presents. She didn't want one to be a dead sister.  
  
The next time Buffy left, she'd known it had nothing to do with her, and everything to do with Angel. She didn't know what the handsome stranger was, or what the whole story was, but she'd never seen her sister more in love, or more hurt. When she left that time, Dawn'd been ready.  
  
And now, here she was, seven years later, staring at a note in her hand.  
  
'Dawnie-  
  
Please understand, this has nothing to do with you, understand that I love you, and I will always miss you. For years I have tried so hard to just find peace. Since I came back, it's been impossible. Did I ever tell you about Heaven? I mean, really tell you?  
  
Well I will now. Heaven is happiness. That much is obvious. But it's different for everyone. For me, I knew you guys were okay, I knew he was okay, I was just floating there. I didn't watch them, I could have, in retrospect it would have prepared me, but I didn't. During the day, I watched him, sometimes I'd fly back down and just lie beside him, hold him, knowing that he'd feel it, even if he didn't believe it.  
  
And at night, I'd go to you. I'd stroke your back and kiss your cheek and sing that song I used to, when Mom and Dad would fight. Remember? I was still in my Celine Dion, Whitney Houston phase. After Kathy, I burned all those CDs, literally. C'mon, you remember it.  
  
Love doesn't ask why  
  
It speaks from the heart  
  
And never explains  
  
Don't you know that  
  
Love doesn't think twice  
  
It can come all at once  
  
Or whisper from a distance  
  
It was longer, but that was the chorus. And it's true. Love didn't ask me why I should love Angel, or even if I wanted to. It just said 'hi, you love him. He loves you, you're doomed. Have fun.'  
  
And now he's gone. He died in the fight last night. He never should have come. I could've handled those demons on my own. but there's no time for regrets. I just know that I have to be with him. And I know I will be. You're the only one who'll understand.  
  
I hate leaving you alone. I hate it, but it's what I have to do. I was never able to move on when he left. I dated, but I never really loved. And now. if I couldn't move on then, I can't now. So this is goodbye. I'll go out tonight and protect the world, like I always do. But I'll fall. I've fought too hard too long. I know you understand, don't you Dawnie?  
  
I promised I would protect you. And I will. I am always with you. Physically or not, you are always my world. And now, I'll be your star, okay Dawnie?  
  
I love you, Buffy.'  
  
A door creaked behind her, and Dawn jumped, ruining the letter with her tears. She did understand her sister, all too well. Buffy needed Angel to be able to fight, or she wasn't able to. She wasn't able to go on. Kind of the way Dawn needed Buffy to be happy. In death, Buffy would be.  
  
"Maybe I should've believed what I wrote," Buffy whispered, from behind her. Dawn spun and grasped her sister. "He's still here, he's still with me," she laughed a little. "Did I really think he'd let me let go?"  
  
Dawn smiled. "He loves you. More than anything. And you'll have your turn, but. you can't give up, or it won't happen," she told her. "I've always known that."  
  
"When did you get wise?"  
  
"I've got a wise sister," Dawn reminded her. "And an incredibly stupid one."  
  
"Thanks, Dawnie," Buffy held her a little closer. "I guess I'll have to learn to live just having memories for awhile."  
  
"And me!" Dawn chirped. "You always have me."  
  
"And you," Buffy amended. "Memories and you." 


End file.
